Grief is Trust

I know grief. I have had my deepest dreams taken away over the last year in a way that I never knew was possible. I now know what I always thought was simply poetry. You can die of a broken heart. I have stood on that edge and spit down that cliff; all that, not to whine, but to say: when I talk about this, it is as a participant, not simply an observer.

When we experience loss it is because we trusted something or someone.

Now, mourning is about the loss. You mourn, you cry, because you are missing something. You lost a child, or your legs, or an opportunity. It is gone. It may come back. It may not, but the loss makes you sad.

Grief though is about learning to trust again. Grief is about learning to trust whoever it is that you hold culpable for your loss. If someone stole something from you, you need to learn to trust again, if not that specific person (some betrayals are so deep) people that are like that person in key ways. If your father betrayed you, caused you to experience loss, then you need to learn to trust father figures again.

Grief is the process of setting aside my judgement and learning again how to trust humanity, knowing that they will let me down again.

If the loss is somehow unexplainable in whole or in part then we often need to learn to trust God again. Job asked "why" and we ask "why" over and over again. God's answer to us is often the same answer that He gave Job. It isn't "because..." but rather His answer is "Do you know where the lightning is kept?" In other words His answer is to draw the difference between Him, and us. How large He is and how small we are. This part of grief is about trusting God. That He is good. That His loving kindness endures forever. One can believe that God is, but believe that He is cruel. Grief is the process of learning that it isn't Him that is stealing from us. It is the process of choosing to believe that God is good, even in our pain. Within this "[the Father] is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food." Job 36:16 Whether wooed or not, as always, is up to you.

Grief is the process of setting aside anger and learning again how to trust that God is good.

Even those who don't believe in God must work through the loss of trust in themselves. When we experience loss it is because we trusted something or someone. No matter how the loss occurs we are faced with the feeling that we chose to put our trust in something that is transient or lacking in trustworthiness. We are faced with our own failure to chose permanent things (a desire which some believe proves that somewhere, there must be permanent things to trust in but I digress) We lose trust in ourselves, in our ability to make good choices. If taken advantage of by a person we feel that we should have seen it coming. If the lost thing (a belonging, or a relationship) disintegrates we feel weak and that we shouldn't be so needy, or that we need to aim higher, buy better, choose wiser. We feel foolish and duped. We should have researched better. Vetted deeper. Seen clearer. Worked harder. We believe in the end that we have some sort of responsibility for our own loss. I should have bought a better lock. I should have worn a longer skirt. I should have left 3 minutes later, or maybe earlier. We are also faced with the decision as to whether or not the joy is worth the pain. And was the joy of caring about something worth the pain of losing it.

Grief is the process of setting aside regret and learning how to trust myself again.

Next in the series: Grief is Hope

Rage that burns white hot, as the center of a star.

I have been stolen from, as have you. So much of what I love and desire and have been given has been stolen over the years. I have watched it and I have recognized it and yet I have been unable to do anything about it. If I were a carnal man and lived a carnal life, I would have taken up arms and reigned down horrible violence on the people that have stood between me and those things that are rightfully mine. But I am something else. I am not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms.

I believe that there is some sort of rule, some sort of "Law of Conservation of Anger" at work that is rooted in an eternal sense of Justice. If my wrath has not been spent on my enemy, where has it gone? Where has it been spent? Where has it been dissipated? Has someone else taken up that anger on my behalf? Perhaps. But I believe that my Enemy has turned my anger aside. He is clever and skilled. Where has my anger gone? Some of it has leaked through my defenses onto those I love. My family and friends have felt my fury to some extent, for certain. Most of that anger has been turned to other things. I have heard that depression is anger, turned inwards. We are a continent depressed. Even at my healthiest, I have realized that there is a weight of anger that I turn onto myself because I haven't had an obvious enemy before me. Yes, I have made decisions and made mistakes (though redemption shall cover all) but I have also been stolen from.

That righteous anger that is meant for my Adversary has been wickedly turned back on me. I have made war against myself. Through movies and Facebook and every sort of addiction I have made war and tried to bring about the destruction of the one that I have incorrectly held responsible for my failure to take a hold of everything that is rightfully mine. Myself. Surely I have responsibility but that is a different war from the one that I have been waging. Much could be accomplished, however, by taking action against the one who has come to steal and kill and destroy.

I no longer want to spend my anger ineffectually on games and magic tricks and self destruction. I want to harness my rage. I want it channeled and focused and and brought to bear upon those who bring injustice against myself and those that I love deeply. I want to stand. I want to shout and reign down judgement on the foe.

And in thy majesty ride prosperously because of truth and meekness [and] righteousness; and thy right hand shall teach thee terrible things. Psalm 45:4