Grief is Trust

I know grief. I have had my deepest dreams taken away over the last year in a way that I never knew was possible. I now know what I always thought was simply poetry. You can die of a broken heart. I have stood on that edge and spit down that cliff; all that, not to whine, but to say: when I talk about this, it is as a participant, not simply an observer.

When we experience loss it is because we trusted something or someone.

Now, mourning is about the loss. You mourn, you cry, because you are missing something. You lost a child, or your legs, or an opportunity. It is gone. It may come back. It may not, but the loss makes you sad.

Grief though is about learning to trust again. Grief is about learning to trust whoever it is that you hold culpable for your loss. If someone stole something from you, you need to learn to trust again, if not that specific person (some betrayals are so deep) people that are like that person in key ways. If your father betrayed you, caused you to experience loss, then you need to learn to trust father figures again.

Grief is the process of setting aside my judgement and learning again how to trust humanity, knowing that they will let me down again.

If the loss is somehow unexplainable in whole or in part then we often need to learn to trust God again. Job asked "why" and we ask "why" over and over again. God's answer to us is often the same answer that He gave Job. It isn't "because..." but rather His answer is "Do you know where the lightning is kept?" In other words His answer is to draw the difference between Him, and us. How large He is and how small we are. This part of grief is about trusting God. That He is good. That His loving kindness endures forever. One can believe that God is, but believe that He is cruel. Grief is the process of learning that it isn't Him that is stealing from us. It is the process of choosing to believe that God is good, even in our pain. Within this "[the Father] is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food." Job 36:16 Whether wooed or not, as always, is up to you.

Grief is the process of setting aside anger and learning again how to trust that God is good.

Even those who don't believe in God must work through the loss of trust in themselves. When we experience loss it is because we trusted something or someone. No matter how the loss occurs we are faced with the feeling that we chose to put our trust in something that is transient or lacking in trustworthiness. We are faced with our own failure to chose permanent things (a desire which some believe proves that somewhere, there must be permanent things to trust in but I digress) We lose trust in ourselves, in our ability to make good choices. If taken advantage of by a person we feel that we should have seen it coming. If the lost thing (a belonging, or a relationship) disintegrates we feel weak and that we shouldn't be so needy, or that we need to aim higher, buy better, choose wiser. We feel foolish and duped. We should have researched better. Vetted deeper. Seen clearer. Worked harder. We believe in the end that we have some sort of responsibility for our own loss. I should have bought a better lock. I should have worn a longer skirt. I should have left 3 minutes later, or maybe earlier. We are also faced with the decision as to whether or not the joy is worth the pain. And was the joy of caring about something worth the pain of losing it.

Grief is the process of setting aside regret and learning how to trust myself again.

Next in the series: Grief is Hope